Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
