i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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