I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
