i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
