We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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