my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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