I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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