Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
