Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
