Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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