Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
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Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
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I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.