Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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