Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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