i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
