im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
