I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
