she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
