Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
