Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
