3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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