I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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