So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
