Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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