I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
