Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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