That's intense
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
