I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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