Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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