Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...