seriously i just wanna be friends
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways