I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
