none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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