Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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