after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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