Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
