I'm drive I can fine osifer
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
