i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
