I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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