I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
