I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
