my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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