it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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