I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
