my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
