I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
