she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just found puke in my bra..
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
