I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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