We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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