I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
