I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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