well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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