Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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