i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
