I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
