You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
