I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
