i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
