I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
