Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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